young, dumb, & twenty-ish

I’ve managed to stay away from my blog for far too long, just letting the normalities of every day life consume me and making excuses not to write. I have a lot more time on my hands, so I figured I could use this opportunity to relight the fire under one of my passions and return to my blog that despite being inactive for a while, I still cherish.

It’s been almost six months since I made a post, and so much has changed in my life. I made the extremely difficult decision not to return to the school I was at, but I do think this is ultimately the best decision for me, as I have mentioned in previous posts how deeply and how often I struggled mentally while I was there. In addition, I was accepted into the Disney College Program, which I was looking forward to so much, but the last time I uploaded was pre-COVID, and none of us had any idea how different things would be. Obviously, the DCP was rescheduled, so I tried to control my own future and transfer to a different university up north to replace the hope that I felt had been shot down.

These past six months have taught me several things, but the most important being: things do not always go as planned. All of these changes have felt entirely too much like they’ve been piling on top of me, and most days, though my daily routine has become fairly simple, I still feel suffocated under the weight of all the pressure I feel.

I completed my first summer semester of college with all As, and I made the decision to carry on with my education at a community technical college in my hometown. I’m not sure why, but sometimes I’m embarrassed to tell people that; I considered not even talking about it in this post. I have no idea where this path will take me, but I felt determined not to make the same mistakes I did last year. I rushed off to college five hours away with very little planning, despite knowing deep inside that I wasn’t ready for that. I lost myself in the process, getting involved with boys and experimenting with drugs, putting aside my schoolwork for the compulsive need to fit in and desperately wanting to make friends.

I was determined to get it right this time around, and even though I know we are all bound to fail again and again, the thought that I would terrified me. I decided to stay in my comfort zone, in a town I’m more than familiar with, working at the same job I’ve worked at for two years, and coming home to the comfort of my own family. Every day I contemplate whether I’m making the right decision, but I know fighting with myself will only make it worse.

Anyways, the dull backstory of my past six months aside, I actually do have a point to make in this post.

Once again, I’ve learned several things.

1. As I mentioned, things don’t always go as planned, and failure is inevitable. There’s nothing wrong with this, though. Each day is a new challenge to stop trying to plan my life the way I want it to go, and start listening to God. I tend to tune Him out with my own wants and desires for myself, but He knows what is best. If the school I’m at isn’t the best fit for me, I have to ask God for the patience to wait for the school that He knows is best for me. If an internship I want to do gets cancelled, I have to trust it’s because God knows I’m not ready, and He’ll give me another better opportunity when I am ready. Despite the internal battle going through my mind about staying home for a semester, I can hear God telling me to wait. Be patient, and trust in His plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11 says it clearly, “‘For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
2. Comfort is okay. That’s why it’s comfortable. You can’t put too much pressure on yourself to constantly follow the crowd. Some people thrive the best in a big university far away from home and you know what? That’s completely okay. I was so hard on myself for the longest time for not doing “what was expected of me,” but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I have a secure job, a place to live, food on my table, friends and family that support me, and on top of that, I’m still getting an education. It didn’t take me long to realize that all the pressure I felt to do something different was completely internal. All of Jesus’ disciples set themselves apart from the crowd, so why can’t I? As I said, I can take comfort in knowing that at least for now, I am where God wants me to be. Psalm 118:8 says “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust humans.”
3. Gratitude is everything. Especially now. Especially now. As I mentioned above, I have everything I need and I have it because I have a God who loves me. It’s so easy for me to take literally everything for granted. I can complain about how hard my classes are, how rude customers are, how my tips for the week weren’t enough, how my parents are bugging me, how I’m “trapped” in my hometown, how my life lacks adventure. I’ll be the first to say it, I’m kind of a complainer… in case you haven’t noticed. But I have to realize that I have it so, so good compared to other people. I’m in good health, I have job security, I don’t even have to pay bills, I’m getting a good education that I can pay for out-of-pocket, and I’m surrounded by support. We all get caught up in taking things for granted, but our God is truly a provider, and I have to let myself stop and thank Him every now and then. Just because my life doesn’t look exactly how I want it to look doesn’t mean it’s a bad one. Philippians 4:6-7 sticks out to me. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I felt inspired to share these lessons that I’ve learned because I know that in every situation I’m going through that feels difficult, I’m probably not the only one. Even if no one reads my blog anymore, I know that it’s healing for me.

— mal