Is anyone there?

Why do I, personally, put so much pressure on myself to create something? I’ve always been a creator. My hobbies include, but are not limited to; drawing, painting, playing instruments, writing, blogging, making social media content, video editing, bookbinding, crocheting, reading, journaling, amongst other things. I love making videos on TikTok and I have even put together a few vlogs for YouTube whenever I travel. Creating for me has never been about anything besides just that. I’ve never cared about gaining followers, or having influence, or making money, I just create to create.

So then, if it’s truly for that purpose, why does it always feel like so much pressure?

I’ve come to realize that I have a tendency to flee when the pressure becomes too much. If I start putting too much pressure on myself to do a specific task, I will just push it off and push it away and run from it because running from the pressure is better than drowning under it. This, of course, creates a ruthless cycle, because once I circle back to the initial creative thing that I wanted to do, the pressure is intensified because I know that I’ve been avoiding it.

I’ve been wanting to pay more attention to my blog for months, but the pressure to make a post causes me to run away from it.

But who cares if I post? Is anyone even there? Will any of you even read this?

It is true that relieving pressure comes from self-awareness. Why do I stress so much about a blog post that less than 10 people will read? If I am not creating for the sake of external approval, as I said, then why does the audience attention outcome matter at all? Truthfully, I don’t know. I think my tendency to hide away from my internalized pressure is an effect of my OCD. I think creating sometimes crosses a blurry line between wanting external approval and creating for the sake of creating. I think everyone struggles with internalized pressure– and if you do, you’re not alone. We’re our own worst critics. We also tend to set unrealistic expectations for ourselves that eventually weigh us down. We set expectations we know we can’t meet as a form of self-sabotage, so when we eventually don’t meet them, we can say to ourselves, ‘ha! I told you so, you’re the worst and you can’t do anything!’

I work 3 jobs, try to go to the gym 4 times a week, and I have one day off. It’s just not realistic for me, on my one off day, to finish my crochet project, write a blog post, edit and post a TikTok for my fitness channel, then finish my vlog for YouTube with 2 hours worth of video footage, then read half a book, then make a cute journal spread, then crack open my watercolor book, then start and finish a new bookbinding project.

Wow, it really helped me to type all of that out. To see it on the screen and hear it in my head as a cohesive sentence makes it seem so ridiculous. I wanted to actively share a bit of my thought process when it comes to self-awareness, but I also wanted to share how I’m going to work on relieving my internal pressure. Try it if you, too, sometimes feel like you’re drowning in it.

Recognize the source— Ask yourself, ‘Whose expectations am I trying to meet?‘ Not every pressure that you put on yourself is real or necessary.
Reframe my thoughts— Shift from ‘I have to be perfect‘ to ‘I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.‘ Your self worth isn’t measured by perfection or by checking things off of a checklist.
‘Zoom out’ for perspective— A term my friend Kyndall says; what feels overwhelming today might not matter a year from now, or even tomorrow. Take a step back and breathe.
Let go of what you can’t control— Not everything is in your hands, and that’s okay. Focus on what you can change. I feel like everyone says this, but we need to start taking it seriously.
Practice self-compassion— Speak to yourself like you would a friend. Self-awareness isn’t all about harsh criticism, it’s about understanding and growth.