Hello, friends!
I took a quick hiatus from updating my blog because over the past month, I’ve been getting ready to move to college and settling into a new life.
For those that don’t know, I’ve chosen to attend a liberal arts honors college in Sarasota, Florida, which is approximately five hours from where I’ve grown up. Everything about my school is very home-y. It’s right on the beach, me and my roommate have an amazing dorm, we connected with our group of friends almost instantly, we get to choose our own schedule and take classes that we want to take with brilliant professors, and there are so many clubs and activities to keep you busy.
However, something has been feeling a little off.
I’ve never been this far from home for so long before. Of course, being homesick and missing your friends and family is an extremely normal part of moving to college. But I moved so far away, not knowing a single person in the entire city, and it’s been a common occurrence for me to feel sad and lonely and super homesick. In addition to this, my major right now is currently undecided because my school doesn’t actually offer the one I wanted to pursue, which kind of makes me feel like I’ve fallen even deeper into my pit.
Despite the abundance of activities, I have been feeling like there’s not much I can do to ward these thoughts and feelings away. For the first few days after my parents left, I kind of locked myself in my dorm. Even now after I’ve already gotten settled and slightly more comfortable, I’ve been finding myself very shut off from campus life. My feelings of missing my home and my family and friends often overtake my determination to make new friends and start over and experience new things. So much to the point where it was honestly driving me crazy.
So here I sit, back home in Thomasville for the holiday, in Grassroots (my favorite place in the world), trying to figure everything out. Trying to figure out my major, and the classes I want to take, and trying to make this place into a second home– solely based off of the past two weeks I’ve spent in Sarasota.
My final answer, and the thing I have to remind myself every day, is that God has truly got me in His hands. I keep getting distracted trying to carve my own path when I’m not the one in control. I’ve been focusing a lot on letting go and letting Him put me where He wants me to be. It’s comforting to know that even over the past few days when I’ve felt the most alone that I have felt in a while, I never truly am, because I know He will always be on my side.
On top of trying to figure out my school situation, I’ve been trying to figure out myself. Like all of us, I like to think that I know who I am. But I have to admit to myself, the past few weeks before I left, I just wasn’t really feeling like myself. I was pushing the people I care about most away and I was focusing so much on moving that I ended up realizing I was scared of the way I was feeling before I left… if that makes sense.
I was scared to move. I think that’s common, too, but I was terrified. So terrified that before I left, I pushed any thought of leaving towards the back of my mind because I just didn’t want to deal with it. So when it finally came closer, it hit me so much harder. I completely shut off all of my emotions about leaving. I tried so hard to act carefree and unaffected by this huge change, that it actually did affect me so much, and it affected the people around me that I love more than anything. I think that’s when I realized that I was just trying to convince myself that I’m ready for this, but I don’t think I truly was.
Once I moved, I had a lot of self-evaluation to do. I know who I am. I’m not careless and emotionless, I’m actually quite the opposite. I care so much about the people and things that I love, and I really am very emotional (iykyk). I’m kind and generous and very sensitive, yes, but it always comes from a place of deep, deep love. I’m a lover and a giver and I don’t like to think about the way I felt before I left.
You’re never really done finding yourself. Leaving the town that I love broke my heart, but I guess that’s what it took for me to realize that I’m better than heartbreak. I’m bigger than these changes, and God is always going to be on my side to put me back where I’m supposed to be. Obviously, I’m not going to figure myself out completely two weeks into college, but at least I’m working on it.
As of right now, I can’t say what’s in store for me in the future. Staying at the school I’m at, transferring, taking a semester off– I have a few ideas but again, I realize now that it’s not up to me. Through whatever changes I have to encounter, the most important thing is figuring myself out; knowing, truly in my heart, who I am and what I have to offer everyone and everything I encounter.
Just remember that with everything you do, you are never truly alone. God has got you, and He wants you to succeed and He definitely does have a plan for you. Everything happens for a reason.
Love yourself above all.
— mal
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