Have you ever had those days where you feel so suffocated by everything? You feel like you try so hard but you can’t get anything right. I’m pretty good at giving myself a brave, wise appearance on this blog, but I feel consumed by those emotions practically every day. I think we all have days where simply nothing works out. Maybe weeks, months, even years at a time. Haven’t you ever heard someone say “this is not my week”? Well.
This is not my year.
Your time in high school is supposed to be your “glory days,” the time of your life, the time to find yourself and your people and your passions, your hobbies. There’s literally SO many songs about it!!! (Also, if you know me, you know I’m a raging fan of Glee, but that show set such unrealistic expectations of high school and I’m highly upset about it). I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes all high school really felt like was misery, losses, failure, and everything I didn’t get or didn’t achieve. I try to avoid talking about specifics most of the time, but since this is a blog about my life, it might help to get a better understanding and I know it will help me to talk about it.
This year, for our one-act play, I really wanted to be the second female lead. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been doing theatre for a very long time. One thing I consistently struggle with is the fact that all my friends in my theatre program never seem to struggle getting the roles they want. I seem to be the only one who has never once gotten a role I want. And this year, my senior year, I had so much hope that it would be different. Come time for the cast list to come out, I didn’t get the role I wanted. The one I got ended up being fun and I’m glad I got it now, and I’m super thankful, but I remember how disappointed I felt. At the state competition, they give out these awards called “All-Star Cast Member Awards,” which typically goes to a cast member who isn’t the lead, but still shines on stage. I prayed from the moment I didn’t get the role I wanted that I could stand out enough to get that meaningless award. You can guess what happened. And again, for the musical, my dream role stood before me, the role that made me start doing theatre. I studied so hard, practiced every day, wanted it so bad, and came out of my audition with an amount of confidence I had never felt in myself before. I told all my friends and family how confident I was that I was going to get it. I had never believed in myself more than I did after that audition. That one hurt the worst. For a really long time. Even when I think about it now, it still stings.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Music and Drama Troupe, it’s a performing organization that I’ve been a part of for six years now. We do two shows a year, and every year anoint a male and female senior captain. For every show, every year, I’ve tried out for a solo. Just two and a half minutes to myself on stage where I can shine. And of course, being a dedicated senior member, tried out for captain as well, something I had dreamed of being since I joined in seventh grade. Despite my countless auditions, I had never gotten a solo either, but I always figured it was due to seniority, so I tried out both times this year with a lot of confidence, once again. I didn’t get either solo, and I wasn’t made captain either.
Even last year, I tried out for a leadership position in our school’s marching band. Not only did I not get a position, I was the only person who tried out who didn’t get one. That one stung too. Worse than not getting asked to my senior prom.
I was just talking to Nelia, my best friend in the whole world, a few minutes ago. I had a very rough week, month, year, and I was pouring my heart out to her about how I didn’t feel good enough for anyone or anything I try to do. She reminded me that I focus too much on the negative. And I agree so much.
I think we all have felt like that at one point; like we’re just not good enough. We’ve all spent too much time focusing on the bad and the ugly. Too consumed by what we don’t have to truly look at what we do have.
Since I moved here, I have always wanted a job at Grassroots Coffee, the most popular (and also the best) coffee shop here in town. I just passed my one year mark since I got my dream job. And I still love it just as much as I did when I started. My coworkers have grown to be some of my best friends. This is really the best opportunity I have gotten, and I can’t believe how easily I take it for granted.
Even though I didn’t get any roles I wanted, I have built a true family with my drama department. They are my best friends in the entire world, and our director is like our mother. Every show we do is magical, no matter what role I get. Through disappointment, heartache, all the bad times, no matter how much they get on my nerves, they are a home to me. I can’t believe how easily I take that bond we’ve made together for granted.
I’m not captain of Troupe. I don’t get solos and I’m certainly not the best dancer. But trying out for dance has been such a fun experience to me. I don’t even care if she puts me in the very back where no one can see me, I genuinely enjoy dancing. And the songs we do together. And the six years of memories I’ve made. And getting to work with one of the most talented, compassionate, amazing directors in the country. And the lessons I’ve learned and the friends I’ve made. It’s been such a great six years. I can’t believe how easily I take that for granted.
Not to mention, I got into the college of my dreams. The most perfect school for me, where there are so many opportunities ahead of me. Throughout my years of high school, I have made the most amazing friends ever. I truly know the bonds I have now will last a lifetime, no matter the distance that will separate us. Me and Nelia will be drinking wine on my patio when we’re forty with our kids. I have so much love in my heart for the people in my life, through every single disappointment.
This was a long one, but I know there’s someone else who needs to hear this. Life will disappoint you. You will get your heart broken so many times. But you will pick yourself back up. When you’re surrounded by rainstorms, and darkness and all you hear is the thunder and you feel so hopeless, please look up. Look around you.
Appreciate life. It’s so worth living.
— mal
p.s. this chapter is dedicated to Nelia. I would be nowhere without you. You are the light of my life. You are the most wise, compassionate, selfless person I know. You pick me up off the ground when no one else will even look down at me. I cannot do life without you. I love you more than you will ever know.
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